Lament
by Obi the Kid
Summary: 3 years Pre-TPM. Non-Slash. A loss devastates Obi-Wan. (Please note in this story, Obi-Wan is 22 and Taash is 2 years into Knighthood.)


TITLE: Lament  
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid (hlnkid@aol.com)  
RATING: PG  
SUMMARY: 3 years Pre-TPM. Non-Slash. A loss devastates Obi-Wan. (Please note in this story, Obi-Wan is 22 and Taash is 2 years into Knighthood.)  
ARCHIVE: Please ask me first.  
FEEDBACK: Always appreciated.  
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DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. The characters not recognizable from this venue are copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual property of Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. She makes no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.  
  
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Lament  
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"Bren, have you seen Obi-Wan?"   
  
Qui-Gon was running out of places to look for his apprentice. The young man had been upset over the death of an initiate that he'd grown fond of over the past year. A boy who had been training under the watchful eye of Master Yoda. He was part of a group of very young Jedi who were just beginning to learn the ways of the Force. Obi-Wan had come to know many of the initiate's within that group, but he'd formed a special bond with a boy named Ky Emmer. Ky was small for his age, but Obi-Wan sensed that he was very strong in the Force and he saw a lot of himself in the child. When he'd heard, that several members in one of Yoda's training groups had been killed in an accident in one of the docking bays, he'd feared the worst. Yoda was the one who had delivered the news to him early that morning. Obi-Wan's initial reaction was denial. Then disbelief. He knew Yoda would not lie to him, but it was just one day ago that he and Ky had spent time together laughing and learning. Now he was gone.  
  
When Qui-Gon had heard the news, he'd tried everyway he could to contact his apprentice. But Obi-Wan had shut his master out completely. Bren saw the worry in her friend's eyes and it immediately concerned her.  
  
"No, I haven't seen him since yesterday. What's wrong?"  
  
"You remember Ky Emmer, the initiate that Obi-Wan had been spending time with?"  
  
"Yes. From what I could tell, they had become very close."  
  
"The training accident, you heard about that. Ky was one of the children killed. He and two others. Yoda said he informed Obi-Wan and told him to return to his quarters until I got there. That was this morning. No one has seen him since. He won't respond to me. I can feel him, but that's it. I need to find him."  
  
Bren ran over the obvious courses of action in her head. Assuming that Qui-Gon had already eliminated them himself. "You checked with his friends? Taj? Taash? Yes, of course you have."  
  
"Wait," he said. "Taj and Jerra are away on a mission. But I hadn't thought about Taash."  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
Bren followed Qui-Gon towards Taash's quarters. Taash Evram had been good friend of Obi-Wan's for almost four years now. Even after Taash had been knighted just over two years ago, the pair continued their deepening friendship. Qui-Gon berated himself for not thinking of checking in with Taash. He'd become someone that Obi-Wan could lean on when he couldn't bring himself to speak with his master about certain matters.   
  
There was no response after Qui-Gon's third press of the door chime. He knocked. Still no answer. "Now what," he mumbled to himself.  
  
"Where does he go when he's upset?" Bren asked from behind.  
  
"The gardens, but I checked there. No one has seen him. Other times he'll wander for a bit before coming home. He's never just vanished for this long without contacting me. Bren, he's upset and...what if something happened to him?"  
  
"Relax, Qui-Gon. Don't start getting yourself all worked up. Yes this has surely upset him, but he's smart, he knows not to get into any situation where he might get hurt. Let's keeping looking, come on."  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
Taash had heard the news about the training accident, but had no idea that a boy that Obi-Wan   
cared for had been involved. So he wasn't out looking for his friend that evening when he found him. Standing on the observation deck overlooking the initiate training gym, Taash was watching soon to   
be padawans sharpening their skills in front of masters who were considering the training of a new student. He knew he still had time before he would consider the training of a padawan, but he was always curious to see how each master went about making their final decision. Each Jedi was unique in how they operated, yet each sought the same thing. An apprentice who was willing and who played off the strengths of the master. Taash found it fascinating to watch as each Jedi was drawn into a relationship that would change and sculpt their lives. He longed for the day when he too could pass on what he had learned from his teachers.   
  
What the dark-flaxen haired knight hadn't expected was company on the deck today. He sensed a presence...one trying desperately to shield itself but failing miserably. Taash wandered to the deck's most hidden corner and found the slumped form of a Jedi apprentice leaning wearily against the cold metal wall, hugging his legs to his chest. His eyes tightly closed, but he was not asleep. Moving closer, Taash saw who it was. Obi-Wan. The young man smelled of alcohol. And looked in desperate need of a bath and a clean tunic.   
  
Taash was careful in his approach. He'd never seen Obi-Wan like this before and had no idea the reasons for it. "Obi-Wan? It's me, Taash. Are you okay?"  
  
Obi-Wan mumbled something unintelligible and turned his head further towards the wall. Certain now that he was dealing with a very inebriated Jedi, Taash knelt in front of his friend and put a hand on his knee. "Obi-Wan, wake up. Come on. Open your eyes. Does Qui-Gon know where you are?"  
  
"Lemme alone. Go 'way. Don't care."  
  
"Obviously you care about something, which is why you did this to yourself. Is everything okay between you and Qui-Gon?"  
  
"Don't wanna talk about anything. Not fair. He's gone...not fair, Master..."  
  
Taash tried to push the issue as long as Obi-Wan remained calm. "Who's gone, Obi-Wan? Talk to me. Who is gone?"  
  
Still with his eyes closed, the Jedi replied to the voice in front of him. "Master...you know. Just lemme alone right now..."  
  
"Obi-Wan, I am not your master. This is Taash. Open your eyes. Look at me." He was surprised when the younger man did force his eyes open. They were bloodshot. Something happened...something that hat hit Obi-Wan hard and was unforgiving.   
  
He focused on the blurry form that knelt near him. "Taash..."  
  
"I'm here, Obi-Wan. I want you to tell me what happened. Why did you get yourself drunk?"  
  
"He's dead...Ky."  
  
"Ky is dead?" It didn't take long for Taash to put things together. The training accident. Ky was one of the three children killed. "Oh, Obi-Wan. I'm so sorry. I had no idea. I heard about the explosion...but I never....   
  
"It's not fair...he was just a boy...just...a boy. Hurts."  
  
"I know it hurts, but there is no good you can do for yourself by drinking until you can't walk. This solves nothing. We have to get you home. Qui-Gon is probably searching the entire temple." Taash grabbed an arm and tried to get Obi-Wan to his feet. The knight was dead weight.  
  
"No, Taash. Lemme go."  
  
It took some prodding and took Taash promising Obi-Wan that he would not take him home right away for him to actually get Obi-Wan to help himself walk. One arm wrapped around his friend, Taash slowly moved through the temple to his own quarters. He took the least traveled path that he could. Once there, he deposited Obi-Wan onto the couch and stripped him of his boots and belt.   
  
"Just rest, Obi-Wan. Let me find a blanket and something for you to be sick in. Because based on what you smell like, you drank far too much of something you should have stayed away from."  
  
By the time Taash returned, Obi-Wan was looking deathly pale and about to be sick. Taash managed to get the small basin under his chin just in time. Obi-Wan gagged for several minutes afterwards and felt his forehead being cooled by a gentle hand and soft cloth.   
  
"Master..."  
  
"It's still me, Obi-Wan. Taash. I have to get you settled, then I will call your master."  
  
"No...please no. He won't understand..." The slurring words were becoming worse as he fought for his concentration while his body was trying to sleep off the intoxication. But Taash knew that Qui-Gon would have to be contacted.   
  
"Obi-Wan, you are in no position to argue with me about this. I'm sorry about Ky. I truly am. I know how much you cared about him. But I also know how much Qui-Gon cares about you, and you cannot hide from him. It's bad enough that you did this to yourself. Don't make it worse by ticking off the people who care about you the most."  
  
"You...you're supposed to be my friend...you don't care..."  
  
"Self-pity doesn't work on me, Kenobi."   
  
Nausea welled up once more as Taash continued. Obi-Wan's stomach was churning horribly right now. And Taash was unable to move away from the couch long enough to get to the comm panel to call Qui-Gon. Sighing in frustration, he had no choice but to sit at Obi-Wan's side until it was safe to leave him for more than a few minutes.   
  
It was in fact almost two hours later before Taash moved from Kenobi's side and made the call to Qui-Gon's quarters. Not surprisingly, there was no answer. Jinn was probably still out looking for his padawan. Taash left a message telling Qui-Gon where Obi-Wan was and then went back to check on the now inert form curled up on the couch.   
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
When Bren and Qui-Gon finally returned to his quarters they were out of options, and more worried than ever.   
  
"Something's happened to him. Otherwise we'd have found him or he would have contacted me." The tall master paced the common area, going over everything in his mind for the hundredth time. Trying to think of any place that they had not searched for the missing apprentice.   
  
Bren noticed the message light on the comm panel was flashing. Most likely a routine message, but perhaps.... "Qui-Gon check your messages."  
  
He pressed the small silver button. The voice, he knew belonged to Taash, before the knight even stated who he was. Obi-Wan was safe. Both masters released a great sigh of tension as the message played on and Taash relayed the abbreviated version of where and in what state he had found Obi-Wan.  
  
"You need help or are you okay to handle him on your own?" Bren asked in concern.  
  
"It's probably best that I take care of this. I'll give you a call later after I get him home and settled." Qui-Gon answered as he returned her unsure smile. "He's never done anything like this before."  
  
"Don't be to hard on him. It was a mistake. I'm sure he'll realize that after the hell he's going to feel tomorrow. If you need anything..."  
  
"I'll let you know. Thank you, Bren."  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Taash opened the door to let Qui-Gon in. The master walked quietly across the room and to the couch. His immediate reaction was to put a hand on the boy's forehead. A bit clammy, but typical for the drinks that Obi-Wan had probably ingested.   
  
"Where did you find him?" Qui-Gon asked as he turned his attention away from his apprentice and towards the older knight.  
  
"I found him by accident actually. I was on the observation deck watching the new padawans. I found him slouched in the corner. He told me, in so many words, about Ky. I'm sorry, Qui-Gon. It's horrible for anything like that to happen to those so young, but for one of the victims to be Ky...I'm sorry."  
  
"I haven't seen Obi-Wan since I heard about the accident. Yoda is the one who told him what happened. Then I couldn't find him. I was beginning to fear that something had happened to him. Thank you, Taash for looking after him. And for keeping him safe. He's lost friends before, but he's never given into alcohol to help deal with it. Ky was...a unique child. Obi-Wan has never become so attached so quickly to anyone. It's a great loss for Obi-Wan and for the Jedi."  
  
Both men glanced back at the couch when Obi-Wan moaned involuntarily. Taash looked back sadly at Qui-Gon and asked, "Who were the other children killed?"  
  
"Jeslin Kerrs and Ta'im Veran. Several others were injured, but the healers have said that they will recover fully. The council will hold a formal funeral service for all three lost. They will join the Force together...just as they passed."  
  
"I am sure Obi-Wan will wish to be in attendance. He's finally quieted down. You're welcome to let him stay here until morning if you don't want to wake him. I don't mind."  
  
Qui-Gon could sense Taash's sincerity, but he refused to impose on the young knight anymore than his apprentice already had. "I appreciate that, but it would be easier if I got him home. He'll not be feeling very well in the morning and you have duties to attend. Has he been sick?"  
  
"Yes," Taash nodded. "Several times. I don't know if he got it out of his system or not, but I haven't given him any liquids or anything. My old master did this to himself once. I think he learned his lesson the hard way. I think I learned too just by seeing the hangover that it left him with."  
  
They passed the next few minutes talking before Qui-Gon decided to try and get his apprentice up and moving. Obi-Wan whined and moaned as he was brought out of his slumbering state. His head, when lifted just bobbed around looking for a place to settle. His eyes floated between closed and squinted. His cooperation in getting back to his own quarters would be limited. Qui-Gon considered carrying him, but thought it better for the boy if he moved around a bit. It might set off the nausea again, but it would only be a slow walk.  
  
"Master?" Obi-Wan said as he was pulled from his warm place on the couch.   
  
"Yes, Padawan. Come on now. We need to get you home."   
  
"Don't wanna go...wanna stay here with Taash..."  
  
"Some other time. Not now. Let's go home."  
  
It took some time but Qui-Gon was eventually successful in getting Obi-Wan into a semi-upright position. He thanked Taash once again and then escorted his stumbling student out the door.   
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Qui-Gon succeeded in getting Obi-Wan into his sleep clothes and then into bed. He'd vomited twice between the time they walked in the door until Qui-Gon got him cleaned up and settled in bed. The boy still smelled like whatever he'd been drinking, but Qui-Gon was content enough to leave him as he was until morning. No point in moving him around anymore than necessary.   
  
Once in bed and curled up on his side, Obi-Wan looked at his master through half-closed eyes. He took in a deep breath and let it out, sighing deeply. "Sorry, Master. Should be stronger."  
  
The bed sagged slightly as Qui-Gon sat next to his apprentice and put a hand on his arm. "It's all right, Obi-Wan. We'll talk about it tomorrow. Rest now."  
  
"It's not fair that he had to die. Why did it happen, Master?" His head pounded as he asked a question that he knew had no answer.  
  
"I don't know. It was an accident. There is no reason for it."  
  
"My head hurts."  
  
"I know."  
  
"Hurts here too." He clumsily tapped his chest.  
  
"I know it does." Qui-Gon's heart ached at the actions and words of his apprentice.  
  
"Make it stop," he pleaded.  
  
"I wish I could, Padawan. Lay your head back. I want you to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day."  
  
Obi-Wan shook his head. "Not gonna feel good tomorrow, Master. Ky will still be gone."  
  
Nodding sadly, the older Jedi placed a soft hand on the young man's forehead and slowly sent him into a deep sleep. "Tomorrow, Obi-Wan. Tomorrow."  
  
Before he turned in for the night, Qui-Gon put a call into Bren to let her know that things were okay. Then he took one last check on Obi-Wan. Satisfied that the boy would most likely sleep through the night, he headed for his own room.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Morning broke and with it brought a very hung-over apprentice. Qui-Gon allowed him to sleep later than normal, but woke him at mid-morning. A late breakfast was prepared and the master forced Obi-Wan to sit at the table and eat something. The actual action of sitting upright was not to Obi-Wan's liking in the least, but he knew he'd be paying for what he'd done to himself the previous night.   
  
"You look terrible, Padawan. Pleased with yourself?"  
  
"Master, please. I feel bad enough already. I don't know why I did what I did. It was stupid. I've had friends die before, why is this so different? I shamed Ky's memory by making a fool of myself. I'm sorry."  
  
"It's different because Ky was just beginning his journey. We are supposed to be safe here. Confined within the walls of the temple. Nothing to fear. Ky and the others who died had no choice in what they were being asked to do. A training exercise should be just that. No one could have foreseen this accident. There was a faulty starting mechanism in the ship that the initiates were training on. When the pilot ignited the engine, part of the engine detonated causing a large explosion. The three initiates standing closest to that part of the engine were killed instantly. The others and the pilot, as well as Master Yoda...most escaped serious injury. It was an accident, Obi-Wan. It was an accident." Qui-Gon had placed a plate of bland food in front of his apprentice and encouraged him to eat. "It's just toast with bara jelly. Eat."  
  
"Master..."  
  
"Don't argue with me. I know you don't feel well. I know that your head is probably pounding right now. And I know what Ky's death has done to you. But you have to take care of yourself. If Taash hadn't found you and let me know that you were okay..."  
  
"I just didn't want to deal with anything or anyone. I needed to deal with this on my own." He took a bite of the toast and held his head as he chewed the small bite slowly.  
  
Qui-Gon nodded and replied, "Yes, I see how you've dealt with it."  
  
The irritation he sensed from Qui-Gon immediately set something off in the boy, and he lashed out. "I said I was sorry. What else do you want from me? This is why I didn't come home. I didn't need to hear your lecture on how to deal with death. On how everything would be okay. It's not okay, Master. It's not anything close to okay."   
  
As suddenly as the heated rant began, it ended and immediately afterwards, Obi-Wan regretted what he'd just done. Both because it made him dizzy and nauseas and because he had no right to speak to his master that way. The man who was only trying to help him.  
  
"I'll let that go, since I can feel that you are already punishing yourself for those comments. I am not the enemy here, Obi-Wan. There is no enemy. This is life. People die. Jedi die. Friends die. Be it masters or initiates...we all die eventually."  
  
"Ky was special, Master," Obi-Wan said sadly. "He was destined for something in his life...something important. Now this...accident...has wiped all that out. I'm tired of losing friends, Master. I'm tired of funerals. I'm tired of mourning for those I'll never see again."   
  
Qui-Gon pointed to the unfinished toast on Obi-Wan's plate. "Eat your breakfast."  
  
The young Jedi sighed and looked down at the half-eaten bread. "Of course that will make everything better, won't it?" He returned sarcastically. But at the same time he realized that nothing Qui-Gon could say would fix this. The master was just as much at a loss as the apprentice was. Obi-Wan finished his breakfast and then slowly made his way into the shower. His head aching with every step. Regret for what he'd done last night pounding into his every thought.   
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The door chime sounded and Qui-Gon was greeted by the friendly face of Taash Evram.  
  
"Good morning, Master Qui-Gon. I wanted to see how Obi-Wan was holding up this morning. Is he doing okay?"  
  
"I think he's learned his lesson and won't abuse his body in the same way again. And he's discovered that drinking himself into oblivion solves nothing. The same pains that existed...do not fade away so easily."  
  
"Is he around? Would he mind some company for a while?"  
  
"He's getting cleaned up. To be honest, Taash, I don't think he's up to seeing anyone right now. Let him get past the worst of what he's done to himself then we'll see where we stand with all this. I do appreciate your concern. It means great deal to me and I'm sure to Obi-Wan as well."  
  
Taash nodded in understanding, said his goodbye and left the apartment. Not to long after, Obi-Wan appeared from the shower looking cleaner and smelling better. Appearances being deceiving, he slid himself on to the couch and into a horizontal position. His pounding head sinking into two pillows. He closed his eyes in pain and practically begged for this feeling to be over. A familiar presence closed in on him and pushed a cup of warm jennaroot ale into his hand.   
  
"Master, I don't want any disgusting miracle hangover cure. Just let me sleep for a while," he groaned.  
  
"It's not specifically for your hangover. It will however help with the nausea that you feel when you stand up or move to fast. I want you to sip on it. Trust me, it's not some horrible tasting concoction that I made up just to make you feel worse. This will help you feel somewhat better. At least your stomach. I'm afraid that I have nothing that will stop the throbbing in your head." Qui-Gon helped Obi-Wan adjust his position so that he was partially upright. Enough so that he could drink the ale. "Drink it slowly. It'll be more effective that way."  
  
A short nod and Obi-Wan sipped the orange liquid. Despite what his master had told him that the taste was not bad, the boy was somewhat surprised that it tasted as good as it did. He hadn't expected it. "This is good, Master. Why have you never told me about this drink before?"  
  
"Because you never needed it before. Now, do you have the energy to talk to me about why you did this?"  
  
Obi-Wan closed his eyes as the thumping in his head increased slightly. "You know why."  
  
"Ah, yes," the big master sighed as he sat back in the chair across from his apprentice. "Ky's death. Tell me why you chose this method to heal your problems. Why did you not turn to the Force...or turn to me or another friend?" He knew Obi-Wan was in no mood to get into this type of discussion right now, but Qui-Gon pressed him anyway.  
  
"I don't know. I wasn't thinking. I suppose I was feeling sorry for myself and turned to what was easiest at the time."  
  
Qui-Gon watched as the young knight sipped more of the ale and then laid his head back against the cushions. He could sense the pain and hurt emanating from his student and felt for him. But he questioned him further. "Why were you feeling sorry for yourself? You should have been feeling for Ky. He is the one lost. He and the other two initiates. But you felt the need to pity yourself?"  
  
"No, no, no." His head rolled back and forth as he said the word over and over. "I didn't mean it that way, Master. I just..."  
  
"Yes, you did. You lost someone close to you. Another person close to you. Why does the Force feel the need to treat you this way? Right? Why does it keep stealing from you? Why does it continue to force it's pain onto you?"  
  
For a few moments, Obi-Wan said nothing. He simply stared into his master's deep eyes as if looking for an answer that he did not have. Qui-Gon was right. Those were the questions Obi-Wan had been asking. Why did the Force choose to pick on him? Why did it choose his friends to hurt? His friends to die?   
  
And when he didn't reply, Qui-Gon did. "Would you wish this onto someone else? Another Jedi?" And he succeeded in getting the boy to speak once again.  
  
"No, of course not. No one should know such pain."  
  
"Then you need to turn these emotions around, Obi-Wan. Stop feeling sorry for you. You are still here. You still have a life to live. You have duties and responsibilities. Your emotions should be for those lost."  
  
"I know, there is no emotion. There is peace. I know the mantra."  
  
"I did not say that there was no emotion. There is emotion. And as a Jedi I want you to feel comfortable with experiencing those emotions. It does no good to hold these things in. I am a believer that emotions are healthy and necessary. But you cannot allow them to rule you. You must rule them. I know how close you had grown to Ky. He was almost like a young brother to you during the past year. You will grieve for him. And you should. You will cry for him. You will dream about him. Those are normal emotions, Obi-Wan. But once you have grieved...you must begin to move on. You cannot allow those feelings to control your life. Which is exactly what they did yesterday. They controlled you. And you turned them on yourself. Now I want you to redirect them. I want you to grieve for Ky, not for you." Once the older Jedi has finished his speech, he watched his apprentice silently as a tear escaped each eye and rolled down his tanned face. The boy looked down, deep breath after deep breath, trying to fight the renewed pain in his heart.   
  
Qui-Gon moved closer to him and sat on the edge of the couch. He wrapped his large hand around Obi-Wan's smaller one. "It's all right, Padawan. This is what you should have done last night. It'll be okay."  
  
Obi-Wan sniffed and wiped the tears away with his other hand. "I've felt this before. I know it'll get better in time. But it hurts right now."  
  
With a quick hand gesture, Qui-Gon called a blanket to him from a chair near the kitchen. He took the cup of ale from his padawan's hand and then moved him so that he lay on his side. Drawing the blanket up around Obi-Wan's shoulders, the older man then touched his hand to the younger Jedi's forehead and allowed comforting tendrils to flow between them. He didn't push Obi-Wan towards sleep. The emotions coming out now where necessary. They needed to be felt. Several more tears slipped from the corners of Obi-Wan's reddening eyes. Long shuttering breaths followed. Qui-Gon could feel the thoughts from his apprentice now. Memories of he and Ky over the past year. He was pleased to know that Obi-Wan was letting those images fill his mind right now, and not the negative ones that had been to prevalent just a short time ago.   
  
Qui-Gon sat with him for the next hour until sleep came naturally to the exhausted Jedi. As he watched his apprentice resting, the master reached for the Force. Answers. He sought answers. Why was Ky chosen? What reason did it serve?   
  
As expected, the Force provided nothing. There were no answers. He didn't suspect he'd find them. And so he turned his attention back to Obi-Wan. Still sleeping quietly.   
  
The Force had drawn Obi-Wan and Ky together. And then it chose to rip them apart. A test? Was this a test for Obi-Wan? Something that was indeed the work of the Force? Qui-Gon didn't have an answer. All he knew right now was that three initiates had lost their lives and that his apprentice had lost a small part of his heart upon hearing the news of those deaths. He mourned the death of Ky Emmer. So young. A boy just beginning to live. Qui-Gon knew the loss would be a part of Obi-Wan for a long time. But he was confident that his apprentice would be able to move on. Perhaps he could help others who knew a similar loss. He could share his memories of Ky and share the difficult experience of moving beyond the pain and beyond the past.   
  
All that would come later. For the next few days, Qui-Gon would help Obi-Wan to move on before pushing him past the loss and into the next phase of his life. The master knew the feeling of loss all to well. Time was it's only healer.   
  
Confident that Obi-Wan would rest quietly for a while, Qui-Gon moved to a chair close by and picked up the book he'd been reading before all this had begun. He found the page he'd stopped on and opened to it. He stole one last glance at his student and then focused his concentration on the pages in front of him. He too needed to put this behind him...and begin to move on.  
  
END 


End file.
